Morning lows

Two times this week I woke up to a low blood sugar. The first was two days ago, I could tell by the way he was behaving in his sleep. I woke him to ask permission to test his blood sugar.

He was happy to let me.

Sure enough, 24. Fuck.

So I went downstairs, got some juice and he drank a sip then refused to drink more. Double fuck. After emailing my bosses letting them know I'd likely be a little late, I waited for that small amount of sugar to sink in before trying again. 15 min later I walked into the bedroom and he woke up, asking what his blood sugar was. When I told him 24 he sucked down the rest of the juice.

I waited 20 minutes or so and checked on him before going to work. He was coherent so I didn't bother checking again. We were in good shape, I was confident of that. So off to work I went and the rest of the day went as planned.

Then it happened again this morning. I woke up, he was sleeping funny, but waking him to ask permission to test wasn't as easy. I got a grunt out of him and tested. 22. Mother fucker!

Luckily I was prepared with juice this time, so I did my best to get him to drink it. No luck. I walked out of the room, came back a few minutes later and tried again. This time he took 2 big gulps, but that's all.

I tried a few more times and nothing. So I waited it out then checked on him before I left. He wouldn't let me test, he wouldn't drink anything. He just wanted to sleep.

Yes, I get that. So do I. And, I need to go to work, damn it!

I was frustrated. More than I should have been given that he wasn't in the right frame of mind. I told him I didn't have time for this, that I needed to test his blood sugar before I left. He said "don't worry about it, I'm fine." It was coherent. So I left.

I feel guilty now, I know I shouldn't have left without knowing where he was, but honestly, I needed to get to work. I can't keep calling in every other day saying I'm going to be late. I just can't. It's not good for my career.

I so desperately want to talk with him about his disease management. I'm doing my best, but sometimes I feel like he could be doing better. And I feel like that's partially my fault. I'm always carbing out, snacking, eating foods he shouldn't be eating. So of course if we have that stuff in the house he's going to eat it. I'm even tempted to offer to give up my vegetarianism to help him out. Maybe if we eat more meat and less carbs he can take less insulin and there will be less risk of these lows.

Or maybe, this is just the way it's going to be and I need to find a better way to cope.

Either way, I'm going to put the offer on the table to do whatever it takes to help him manage this. It's for the health and sanity of both of us.

Traveling and Type 1

One of my favorite past times is traveling. This is also something that has become more difficult with a type 1 diabetic.

Not because we have to be prepared at all times with extra forms of sugar, test strips, bottles of insulin, etc., but because of the potential lows.

Traveling takes us off schedule, which leads to a greater chance for highs, and lows.

A few weeks ago we ran into a mid-night low that probably could have been prevented. I woke up to a very sweaty man who was convulsing...though still doing everything in his power to cuddle with me.

I jumped up and called 911. They weren't as quick as I would have liked, but when you're traveling you never know how long it might take them to get to your hotel room.

I've learned that in instances where I have nothing to give him and have to call the paramedics, it's up to me to make him as comfortable as I can while we wait. Most of the time that means leaving him be or rubbing his back with one hand, at most. I also try to keep talking to him, letting him know that help is on the way.

I fear the day that we're not near a big city and help isn't close. Sometimes that keeps me awake at night. I often find myself waking him up just to ask him if he's okay. I bet it's annoying.

The first year

One year. That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve actually had a restful night’s sleep. That’s also about how long I’ve been completely and totally head over heels in love.

How on Earth do these two things correspond? No, it’s not that we’re up late every night getting it on, though, wouldn’t that be nice, it’s mostly my anxiety that keeps me from sleeping too deeply most nights.

Let me explain.

A year ago I went on a date with the man who is now the love of my life. On our first date I found out that he was a type 1 diabetic. It was on this same date that I experienced my first ever low blood sugar incident.

Since that day I have come to realize just how involved this disease really is. Every day has involved research on Type 1, reminders to test glucose levels, behavior monitoring, insulin alarms, test strips found in random places like couch cushons, terms like A1c, numbers numbers and more numbers. It can consume your every move, if you let it.

In my experience, diabetes can do the same thing to the supporters and caregivers as well, it's not just the "patient" who is so deeply affected by this disease.

Which, essentially, is why I'm here. Being a caretaker, supporter and lover of a man who has been a type 1 diabetic for 20+ years, it can be a struggle to cope at times. I'm a talker, so when when I've got something on my mind, it's gotta come out of my mouth - or, in this digital age, fingers works as well. You know, like this blog.

The things that worry and stress caregivers are often the things they can't exactly talk about with the person with the disease.

Sometimes I'm frustrated, sometimes I'm scared, sometimes I just want to run away and hide.

And sometimes, I just want to sleep alone so that I'm not up all night worrying that his odd sleeping behavior is low blood sugar related.

Thing is, none of this has anything to do with the man I love, it's just feelings about the disease. However, talking about it with him would only lead to alienation, making him feel as if he's a burden.

He's not.

So for all those caregivers and people with partners who have Type 1, or other similar diseases, I want to welcome you to a place where you can discuss, comment, read about or just admire from afar the life of another caregiver.

Welcome to my blog. No, our blog. Let the communication begin!